Harry Potter Does New York
by deviant1
Summary: A secret mafia mission takes Harry&Co. across the Atlantic. Yankee games, Broadway shows, TRL, carrot shaped cars, and more.
1. Default Chapter

A/N: This does have a self inserted character, but I promise you it's a plot devise, not a Mary Sue. I don't glorify myself. I do the very opposite.   
  
Harry Potter Does New York  
Chapter One   
(working subtitle: The Carrot Mobile Returns to Sarcasm)  
by Deviant1   
  
It was a sunny May after noon. The Gryffindor fifth years, and Clem, were hanging out in the common room. Clem had appeared earlier that morning and explained that she was a fan fiction author who was writing herself into the story. The gang was horrified at first, but she explained very nicely that she was not a Mary Sue, and she was just there as a plot devise, so then they said, Very well, and offered her some breakfast, but she told them that she'd already had a very good one, and the whole matter was dropped.   
At first everyone had been cautious of her, as they always had to be when new character were dropped from the sky, or worse, sent from America. But it had been all morning, and nobody had declared their love for Hermione, warned Harry of a dangerous prophecy, or suddenly made Ron's father minister of magic, so they figured she was safe. They were very very wrong. It wasn't until exactly 12:00 in the after noon, when a gold owl flew in a window and hit Neville in the head, that they began to suspect that strange things were a foot.   
stated the owl as it gave Neville a concussion.   
At last! yelled Clem, skipping over to the owl.  
Oh no, mumbled Seamus to Harry. Here we got again.  
Clem happily retrieved the letter that the owl was holding, while the owl tried to peck her eyes out and ended up getting caught in her hair. The owl flopped about madly, while Clem ignored it and read the letter. What does it say? asked Lavender Brown.   
Happy is he who wears the ring. Bulimia is cute when it's John. What did you kill? You've got silly hair. We're here for the garage sale. Where's the bagpipe? You're so clever. Hugs and Kisses, Grandma. Clem read.   
They were all silent for a while. Ron did a swift burst of mental arithmetic, and came to an answer that he didn't like, but unfortunately made sense. What is that supposed to mean? He demanded.   
It's code, Clem answered. She reread the letter several times. She smiled; she frowned; she smiled again; she tried to smile and frown at the same time, and ended up looking like a person who'd just thrown up in somebody else's hat, and then realized that it wasn't a hat at all. I think it means... that my family has been in the mafia since 1945 and they tried to go legit right after they killed a bunch of people in the 60's but now they've been pulled back into some drug bust, and a ship load of crack that was supposed to be sent to Vermont got intercepted my Matthew Perry and Robert Downey Jr., and now they want me to meet with them in a secret room in Yankee stadium and make a deal.  
You've been watching too much TV, Said Hermione.   
How are you going to get to New York? Asked Harry. That's like.... really far away.  
Oh, they sent me... Clem rummaged around to see what they had sent her. A paper clip!  
A paper clip? repeated Dean, giving her a dubious look. You're going to get to New York on a paper clip?  
Don't be dense, Hermione snapped. It's not just a paper clip. It's obviously a portkey.  
... yeah... ! Clem said. Of course, that's what I meant She smiled at Hermione and gave the rest of the group a what's-the-deal-with-her look. So I guess I'm going back to New York then.  
I've always wanted to go to New York, said Parvati, winking outrageously at Clem. They have such great shopping.   
Oh yeah, Lavender said, catching on, I've always wanted to buy a nice Prada bag in New York. Lavender began winking to. The two girls winked at Clem, who stared back.   
Clem, can we go to New York with you? Dean finally asked.   
Sure. What kind of fic would this be if you stayed here?  
New York City! Yeah, bay-be, yeah! Ron whooped. Lavender whacked him with her purse.   
Don't ever do that again. She said shortly. Ron rubbed his arm and gave her a hurt look.   
Now wait a minute, Hermione said, giving them all the patented what-are-you-nuts!?!?!?! look. Maybe it's not such a good idea. We're forbidden to leave the Hogwarts grounds with out a teachers permission.   
Lavender and Parvati turned their winking eyes towards Hermione. Parvati drawled. You can stay back here and wait for Neville to come around, while the rest of us have fun in New York.  
... And further more. If you try to leave the grounds I will be forced to tell Professor McGonagal.   
said Harry, Be realistic. We're not going to get in trouble, We've got the administration wrapped around our little finger.  
Hermione gasped. I cannot believe you would think of betraying their trust like that!  
C'mon Hermione, Ron whined. All we ever do is betray trust. I didn't fall in love with Snape in that last fic for nothing. We got house points for that one and I want to cash them in!  
Harry added, JK Rowling still has 3 more books to write, so we can't get expelled before then.  
Hermione rubbed her chin pensively. Well... all right.  
So lets go! said Seamus, grabbing for the paper clip.   
Clem said, grabbing him by the wrist. Could somebody get this owl out of my hair first?  
  
  
They apperated in front of a small house in the suburbs of Long Island. What gives? Ron yelled angrily. This isn't the city! You lied! You.... liar!  
Don't yell at me! Clem cried. We're an hour from the city.  
We're supposed to be IN the city!?!! How do we get there?   
In a carrot. Clem gave them an insane grin. Everybody shuddered. It occurred to Harry that she might really be insane, and seeing that there was nothing to indicate otherwise, he decided that she was. Follow me. She lead them to the garage and opened the door. Inside was a giant, beautiful, shiny, orange... carrot?  
It was. It was a carrot with wheels. I present to you, Clem began, grinning proudly like new parents do when they tell to you about their child's last report card, The carrot mobile!   
We're going to drive around New York City in a carrot? Parvati asked dubiously, raising her eyebrows.   
Clem smiled more. Of course we are. Why wouldn't we?  
Oh I dunno, said Lavender sarcastically. Maybe because it's shaped like a carrot!!!?!?!?!  
I am not going to let Calvin Klein see me driving a carrot!!!!! Parvati wailed.   
Of course not, said Clem, trying to smile. We don't have time for Calvin Klein- maybe Kalvin Clein... He's a guy my dad knows, but we're just going to a baseball game.  
the guys cheered.   
Does anybody know anything about baseball? Harry asked curiously.  
... No... ! Ron answered slowly. But it's a sport... It's macho and stuff, and... we're macho; aren't we?  
Oh yeah, Dean said quickly. We're very macho.  
SO macho, Seamus put it. I mean, these jeans make my ass look huge, but do I care? NO! Because I'm a guy.  
A macho guy, added Harry.  
Seamus continued, and macho guys don't care if they're shaped like pears.   
The guys all looked at each other uncomfortably for a moment, before shouting another very macho, and high fiving each other.   
  
Clem said, biting her lip, and clutching the steering wheel of a carrot shaped car. They were stuck in traffic on the Long Island Expressway. Okay... We need to... okay...  
Harry asked.  
We should probably... Clem started, but having no idea what to do, she lapsed into silence. Okay... we could... no, that wouldn't work... okay...  
OH MY GOD! Ron bellowed. STOP SAYING   
Well what are we supposed to do!?!?! Clem wailed. I don't know what to do! It's not like I'm prepared at all!  
This mafia stuff is easy, Dean said calmly. You send people fish, and you put horse heads in beds, and you take cannolis and you kiss people.  
I never saw the Godfather II, Clem mumbled.   
Italians have the best shoes, Parvati said.   
What does that have to do with anything!? Clem snapped.   
I like shoes, Parvati answered.  
I knew this was a bad idea, Hermione said. What were you thinking?  
That the Sopranos never have this type of trouble! shouted Clem. I bet they have EZpass. Bastards!  
Don't worry. You'll get there on time, I'm sure, and you'll work all this out, and we can all go home, Hermione answered. You've just got to be confident.  
You little zombie! Lavender exclaimed. Does no one else care that we're going to go to the shopping capitol of the world...  
That's Paris, said Hermione.   
What ever! We're going to a place with really good shopping, and we're going to spend the day at a BASEBALL GAME!  
I love baseball, Clem said sheepishly.  
Hermione prompted  
I LOVE BASEBALL! Clem bellowed. The people in the neighboring cars gave her funny looks. How's that?  
Very good. Hermione said. Clem smiled proudly.   
  
They edged into their seats just as the first inning was starting. I don't have to meet them until the seventh inning, said Clem, dumping out a box of cracker jacks and grabbing the prize, So I'll have plenty of time to enjoy the game. Aw shit, it's one of those stupid fold up cars. I wanted stickers!  
Can I have the fold up car? Seamus asked.  
  
This is so stupid, complained Lavender. I hate baseball. It's so... OMG! Who is THAT!?!?!  
asked Clem, ripping open another box of cracker jacks.  
Lavender screeched, pointing to a handsome man standing on the field between second and third base.  
POKÉMON CARDS! YES! Oh what were you saying? Lavender pointed again. Oh him, that's Derek Jeter.  
Oh my god! Parvati, get a load of this guy!  
  
mumbled Mallory.   
What are you doing here? asked Clem.  
Nothing, I'll show myself the exit, Mallory said. Mallory showed herself the exit.   
  
Six innings later, nobody was enjoying the game. Lavender and Parvati had been kicked out for climbing onto the field and singing Christina Agulera songs to Derek Jeter, Clem was a nervous wreck about her big Mafia thing, and everyone else was just plain bored. Nobody was getting a lot of hits, and since they weren't baseball fans, they didn't realize that the Yankees pitcher was having a perfect game. Finally, the inning was over. Clem left for her meeting, and Harry, Ron, Hermione, Dean, and Seamus just plain left.   
  
So whadda ya wanna do? Ron asked.  
said Hermione, New York is supposed to have a great library.  
Nothing educational, Said Dean shortly.   
Book = Boredom. learning is bad, Seamus added.   
So what should we do? Harry asked.   
LETS GO BROADWAY! Dean yelled gleefully.   
Harry shrugged.   
  
Though it was late at night (time zones, go figure) there were enough neon lights to make it seem like the middle of a summer afternoon. They had been wondering down 42nd Street for a bit, when suddenly Hermione stopped dead in her tracks in front a theater. The Gay Divorcé, She murmured, reading the sign. It's my favorite musical. Ron! We must see this play!  
We don't have tickets, Ron said.  
Harry scratched his chin. You know, He said, I bet we could get in if we told them about Clem's mafia thing.  
Hermione gasped. We can do that?  
Ron shrugged. I don't see why not. I mean, if they've got a secret meeting room in Yankee Stadium, they probably have some musical theater connections.  
Ron, that makes absolutely no sense, Dean said, casting a dubious look upon the group.  
It makes some sense, Hermione said thoughtfully. It's worth a shot anyway.  
agreed Ron. What could go wrong. Harry winced, thinking of all thing that could go wrong, but he decided to keep his mouth shut. We're going to the Gay Divorcé, Ron decided, you guys coming?  
Seamus flicked a bit of ear wax from his ear. I would go, he said, but I kinda wanted to do something more.... fun.  
Gay Play, Dean said. I'll pass.  
You're loss, Hermione said happily. She turned on her heal and headed to the back entrance. Ron quickly followed.  
You guys, Why are you going around the back? Harry called after them.  
They never go in front doors in Mafia movies, Ron answered.   
It just wouldn't be fitting to enter through the front, Hermione added. C'mon Harry. We're gonna be late. Harry reluctantly followed.   
The back door read Cast and Crew Only, and was guarded by a dusty old man in a folding chair. Hello, Chap, Ron greeted the man. We've been sent by... Clem's family. Mind stepping aside, that we may enter?  
The old man gave Ron a crusty senile look, that strangely enough the crusty and/or senile are not capable of giving. The look sent shivers up everyone's spines, and nobody was exactly sure. Clem, eh? You talkin' bout the Swan family?   
Ron tried to mimic the crusty senile look, but ended up looking like a drunk squirrel. Swan. Sure. That's me. Ron Swan.  
The old man squinted. You're crazy, boy, He coughed. Just like your father was before he got his crazy self committed. And if ya think you can ever be anything other than a crazy loon, you're wrong; you're damn wrong! Ron raised his left eyebrow. The door man continued, You came to finnish your pappy's business didn't ya? You thought you could get me? It's been a while, but I haven't forgotten. Hermione cut in, We just want to get to the show, so if you'd let us in we'd...  
Who are you? Door Man interrupted.   
Oh... me? I'm... Sarah.  
Sarah who?   
Sara... Sahara.  
Door Man's face split into a wide crinkly grin. Well why didn't ya say so? Sure you can come in! We've been expecting you. Hermione wordlessly bounded through the door. Harry and Ron followed. I'm watching' ya, Swan, Door Man growled to Ron before he closed the door.   
Saraha and Swan are here, boss! Somebody yelled. Ron and Hermione whirled around. A mob of hair and makeup people were rushing towards them with curling irons and powder poufs. They grabbed the couple and began accentuating their cheek bones with peach blush. We gotten, chief! Yelled one guy as he put mascara on Ron's eyebrows.   
A man wearing a beret sauntered over to them. Just in time. These will do perfectly. Hermione's eyes widened in horror. She tried to scream, but her mouth was held shut by a woman putting pretty pink poodle lip stick on her. the director man snapped suddenly, looking at Harry. Who are you? What are you doing here?  
Harry felt a horrible panic, and in a moment of terror, he turned and bolted out the door. He heard a yell from Door Man from behind him, but he didn't care. He kept on running. He ran like a mad man. Harry ran all the way to time square, and he probably would have ran all the way to Jersey, had he not crashed into someone.   
They both fell to the ground. Harry hopped up immediately. He intend to help the person he'd knocked into back to their feet, and continue running until he died or fell asleep or something, but then he noticed who he had ran into. It was Dean, but not the same Dean Harry had left at the Gay Divorcé; This Dean was wearing a wig of long straight platinum blonde hair and a t-shirt that said I LUV BRITNEY!  
Omigawd, Harry! She's here! Dean screeched. The princess of pop is HERE! Here, Harry, HERE!  
I don't she her, Harry said, looking around through the crowd of teenagers that had gathered in front of the building.   
Not here here, there here, Dean answered, pointing to a large window. It's Britney Spears!!!!! I LOVE her!  
I see, Harry replied thoughtfully. But you can even see her. There's nothing but glare on that window.  
By god, Harry you're right! We must see Britney!  
No... Dean... Wait, Harry yelled after Dean, wondering why he'd even brought it up. We can't. She's there here and we're all the way over here here.  
We can use Clem's mafia connections. It works for Ron and Hermione, it works for us.  
No it doesn't.   
Sure it does. Dean sauntered up to the security guard. Hello, Man. The security guard gave Dean a mean look. Harry got a scary i-know-where-this-is-going feeling and almost vomited. My friend and I want to get in. We're friends of Clem.  
Clem Cornelius?  
... Oh yeah. That's the one. Good old Corny. That's what we call   
The security guard looked like he was trying very hard to keep his head from exploding. LOOK KID, I'VE TOLD YOU WEIRDO'S A MILLIONS TIMES: I'M NOT PUTTING YOU OR DREAMSTREET ON TRL! JUST LEAVE BEFORE I CALL THE COPS!  
Slow down, Man, Dean said quickly, patting the air around him. We just wanna see Britney Spears.  
Oh good god, the large man muttered. Okay, fine, come on in. BUT STOP CALLING US! WE'RE THIS CLOSE TO HAVING YOU KIDS ARRESTED.  
Sure thing, Man, Dean said happily, skipping into the building. He and Harry climbed a series of complicated stairways, and finally made it to the TRL room. Is that what it's called? I don't know, and to tell the truth, I don't care. They burst into the room.   
Who the f*** are you? Carson yelled.  
Hey, I'm Dean, and I came to see BRITNEY! I love you, Britney.  
Stay in school, Britney Spears said automatically. Don't do drugs!  
Yeah... security!  
Dean screamed. You can't let them take me away. I'm Cornelius! I have connections!  
Oh, crap, Carson muttered. More of you DreamStreet fans.  
I'm a Britney fan! Dean said proudly. She's my sole mate!  
It's brain drain, Harry said quickly, exaggerating his accent. His brain is draining.  
I'm Britney's biggest fan! Dean continued. I came all the way from Scotland on a secret Mafia mission, and I thought I might die if I didn't get to see Britney! WEST HAM SOCCER RULZ!  
Stay in school, Britney repeated. Don't do drugs. Dean started crying.   
Okay, whatever, Carson said, trying to regain some control of the show. Dean, would you like to introduce the number one video with us?  
The... the number one video is... I LOVE YOU BRITNEY! Dean sobbed.   
We'll be going now, said Harry apologetically. Sorry about that. Harry grabbed Dean's arm and pulled him from the room. Dean cried and yelled things to Britney as he was dragged away.   
They reemerged on to the crowded street. A mob of people ran over to Dean and started asking him everything about Britney Spears? Is she pretty in real life?  
Did ya touch her boobs?  
Harry thought it was best to leave at about that time. He was a few streets down when he met another familiar person. This time it was Seamus.   
Harry, young child, glad to see you! Seamus said cordially. He brushed a bit of dust of his purple moo moo and readjusted the bible he was balancing on his head.   
Harry said slowly, not wanting to say anything foolish in the fairly likely event that he wasn't really seeing what he thought he was seeing, Why are you balancing a bible on your head, and wearing purple moo moo?  
Oh Harry, it's wonderful! Seamus said, his eyes lighting up. I've seen the light. A man came and said that he'd tell me the secrets of life, if I could get him some magic bean' so then I met this guy in an alley, and he sold be some magic beans! And I gave them to the first guy, and he shared the magic beans with me and told me all about God and Egouv.  
  
Yes, She's the high priestess of fashion and inner beauty. And he told me that the end was near, but not to be afraid, because the fashionably dressed will be saved! Would you like some magic beans, Harry?  
No thanks. I'm tripping already. Would you happen to have the time?  
As a matter of fact I do. I bought this new Rolecks watch from a guy on the street. It was a great deal. You should really see this guy. He's got some great Kashmere sweaters.  
And the time is... ?  
Oh, it's nearly ten o'clock.  
Ten o'clock! We've got to get back to the baseball game!  
Oh course! I can show all those poor pathetic baseball fans the light! Mr. Nibbles will be so proud.  
Who's Mr. Nibbles?  
My spirit guide. He's a talking cat.  
  
  
When they arrived at their seats in section A1, the first thing they saw was Lavender and Parvati beating the crap out of a guy wearing a Red Sox jersey, and the second thing was they saw was an angry drunk guy about to throw a punch right at Harry. 


	2. If You Ask Me, There Was a Little too Mu...

A/N: Thanks to Padfoot, Mooney, Prongs 4EVER, Ginger Granger (are you from the North Shore?), Evil Lady, and Lily of the Valley (that's the best perfume *ever*) for the reviews. It means a lot to me and I hope you all become very wealthy some way or another.   
That being said, lets move on to the second chapter, where some pretty neat stuff happens, if I do say so myself.  
  
Harry Potter does New York  
Chapter Two  
(Working Subtitle: If You Ask Me, There Was a Little Too Much Tongue In That Kiss of Death)  
  
Harry ducked out of the way just in time, using his quick quidditch player reflexes. The drunk guy who tried to punch Harry hit the beer guy, instead. The beer guy fell over and spilled all the beer on Lavender, who whacked him with her purse. The drunk guy started to cry.  
There, there, cooed Seamus, kneeling down and patting the drunk guy on the back. Take comfort in these magic beans, my friend. Amend your evil ways by giving up your life of beer and sin. Join me and Mr. Nibbles on our quest for salvation. Just for a moment, the clouds parted and a heavenly light was cast down on Seamus and the drunk guy. A chorus of angels sang, while the brawl continued around them. It was kind of a nice sight really, in a very sick way.  
  
How did you get back in? Harry asked Parvati.   
We just mentioned Clem at the door, and they let us in, She answered, knocking over a row of vicious baseball fans with one big punch. A beer -guzzling set of pin-striped clad dominoes. Did you know her last name is Quintilian?   
Where you here when the fight started?  
Duh, we started it.  
  
They said mean things about Derek, Lavender said defensively.  
cheered Parvati in agreement, getting a knock on the chin because she let her guard down. Son of a... she muttered, throwing a good punch in the general direction of her latest offender.   
somebody yelled. Harry whirled around to see Clem fighting her way through the crowd. she gasped, finally reaching him, We've got... to get out! Clem looked frightful. She was missing one of her shirt sleeves, her hair was more messed up than usual, and a large purple bruise was beginning to form around her left eye.   
What happened? Harry asked, concerned.   
Robert Downey Jr. and Matthew Perry intercepted one of our shipments, drug shipments, and -oh god! I can't believe my stupid family is shipping drugs- they used it all, Perry and Downey, that is, and our Tampa Bay dealer -why on earth do we have a Tampa Bay dealer? So we can get free Devil Ray tickets? They suck!- he's coming after us, because he thinks we sold it all, instead of sending it to him, and they're all here. TV stars! They're evil I tell you! Under those expensive hairdos lurks and evil, evil mind! We've got to get out! We need to get out quick!  
I don't know what you just said.  
Wait a minute... there's only four of you guys here! Where are Ron, Hermione, and Dean?  
They left.  
At least they're safe for now. We need to leave too; we need to leave _now_!  
whined Lavender.  
Clem snapped.   
  
So they made their way out of the stadium. Clem insisted on holding hand so nobody got lost. So maybe we should get to the carrot mobile, and get out of the country. But what about the shipment? I never asked for this. We can't stay in New York. They'll get us in New York.  
Who is _they_? Harry asked.  
I don't know! Clem yelled back, her eyes brimming with tears. Harry decided this was a good time to not ask questions. Buckle your seat belts, kids, Clem shouted from the driver's seat of the carrot car.  
Papa Smurf is in my seat! Seamus sobbed.  
  
They searched and searched. They were beginning to think that someone had already gotten to Ron, Hermione, and Dean, when a big, glittery sign caught Lavender's eye. There they are! she gasped. Everyone looked up, and sure enough, Ron and Hermione's faces had be plastered up on the billboard. They're starring in a musical.  
How did they get in a musical? Parvati asked, wrinkling her nose.  
Mr. Nibbles must have guided them here, Seamus answered wisely. Lets go see them.  
Oh, Clem, Lavender said, See if you can drop your name at the door and get in for free.  
That's okay! Harry jumped in quickly. I'll just pay for everyone's ticket.  
  
Harry got them all reasonably priced seat in a balcony, a little bit far from the stage, but really not that bad. They could see Ron and Hermione on the stage, wearing glittery costumes. Ron was tap-dancing his ass off, while Hermione sang, loudly, and rather badly.   
I will always have you in my heart! Even though we're far apart! She sang at the top of her lunges. I think of you night and day! Even when you're far, far away! We will always have each other! There will never be another... Quite like YOOOOOOOUUUUUUU!  
Wow, Hermion reeks, Harry murmured.   
I guess Mr. Nibbles didn't bless her like we though, huh? sighed Seamus.   
But look at Ron dance, Parvati said. He's really talented.  
Oh, I _so_ wish I had gone with him to the Yule Ball, Lavender soughed.  
The song ended and Ron began his lines. He was a much better dancer than actor. My dearest, He spoke, I am afraid we can no longer be together.  
gasped Hermione. What could ever be the matter?  
said Ron slowly, a crescendo of trumpets and violins indicated another song coming on. I'm not like other guys, he sang, I'm really, really... odd. I love N*SYNC, and I've got a boyfriend named Todd.  
What are you trying to say?' Hermione sang, off key.  
What I'm trying to say is... I'm GAAAAAAAAAY!  
He's gay! He's gay! He sleeps with boys! He's gay! sang a chorus, which had jumped out of nowhere and started dancing.   
I prefer diet coke to beer, cause I'm really queer!  
Man, this musical sure does suck, Clem declared. They sat through three hours of The Gay Divorcé. The plot was impossible to follow, but some how ended in a three way marriage of Hermione, Ron, and the minister's accountant, and they sang and dance until the bitter end. Harry tried to hang himself with his shoes laces, and Parvati tried to take her own life by jumping from the balcony, but they were both restrained by Seamus, because Mr. Nibbles did not want them to die. Mr. Nibbles wanted them to live. He wants us all to live. To live and help others.  
They went to meet Ron and Hermion back stage. How was my singing? asked Hermione.   
How was my acting? asked Ron.   
The rest lied through gritted teeth.  
said Clem, cutting to the chase, We have angry drug dealers after us. We've got to get out of the city... now! Where's Dean?  
He called us on his cell phone earlier, said Ron. Said he was going out to dinner with some girl he met. I think her name was Lindsey.  
No Ron, Hermione said. It wasn't Lindsey. Maybe Courtney, or something like that. Ashley? No...  
It wouldn't have happened to be _Britney_... would it? Harry asked warily.   
That's it!   
Britney Spears?   
Yes, I do believe that was her name.  
Britney Spears!!! squealed Lavender and Parvati. Oh my gawd!  
Right! We must find Dean and Britney, said Clem determinedly. She'll be easy to find because of the pack of fans that flocks to wherever she goes. To the carrot mobile!  
Even when you are a supremely successful pop star, New York is still a pretty big city. It's a lot harder to find on than you might think. Finally they came across a really big crowd of teenage girls outside the Waldorf hotel.   
Do you think they could have gone back to her hotel? Hermione asked. Or could those be somebody else's fans?  
A hot pink bra landed on the windshield of the car, and a blushing girl in a blonde wig ran over to retrieve it.   
said Harry, I'm pretty sure these are Britney fans. Underneath all the panic of being in trouble with the mob in an unfamiliar city and ocean away from home, Harry was a little bit pleased with himself. He felt he was starting to get the hang of the New Yorker thing. So what are we going to do now? He asked. There must be security guards everywhere, or else these girls wouldn't still be out here.  
I saw an episode of _The Brady Bunch_ like this once, piped Lavender. Marcia and Greg dressed up as bellhops and snuck into a hotel so they could meet Davey Jones. He's really dreamy, you know.  
That's the most absurd thing I've ever heard, said Hermione.  
  
Three quarters of an hour later they were standing in front of the back entrance, all in french maid uniforms. I'm not sure I like this idea, said Ron, tugging on his extremely short skirt.  
Quite, you, grunted Clem, We're going to need everybody's cooperation to make this work.  
But why do we have to wear skirts? asked Harry, trying very hard not to whine, because he felt that was not the type of thing that jaded New Yorkers did.   
Afraid you might like it? giggled Lavender. Harry blushed.   
Does everyone know the plan? demanded Clem.   
We've been over it again and again, said Hermione.  
Okay, then. Let's go!   
(Here we switch to present tense, because it sounds cool when there's lots of action) They creep further towards the back entrance. There is a beefy security guard standing in front of a dark alleyway. Seamus, go! Clem whispers urgently. Seamus casually walks out in front of the security guard and starts puking his guts out. While the guards back is turned, the rest dash into the alley and duck behind a dumpster. Clem gives Seamus the thumbs up, which is his cue to kick the guard in the nuts and run like a madman into the crowd. The guard keels over and waves an angry finger at Seamus, while the other go in the door unnoticed.   
(Not we switch out of present tense because it was just too weird... even for this fic)  
They found themselves in a tremendous kitchen. People everywhere were wearing apron and funny chefs' hats. Stirring things, baking things, and washing things (they hand wash dishes. Like you would expect anything less from the Waldorf). Okay, We need to split up now, Clem whispered. Ron and Hermione on the first floor, Lavender and Parvati on the second, me and Harry on the third. You've all got your walkie-talkies on(A/N: walkie-talkies are _so cool!_) so when you see her...  
A large angry french dude shouted, rushing over to the group. Where ave you been? Miz Zpearz as been complaining to zee front desk every two zeconds azking for zee case of diet coke she ordered an _hour_ ago. Now you will get to zee room with the Coca-Cola NOW, or I know a wize azz waitrezz who will be working for Leo on 21st street before she can say mon dui!'   
The large angry french dude reminded Harry of Uncle Vernon, if Uncle Vernon pronounced his r's like there was something caught in his through.   
Um... Oui! replied Clem, faking an accent the best she could. Ve vill get ze Coke to Miz Zpeard rrrrrrright away! Vere is her rrrrrroom?  
Zird flur, now move! bellowed the french guy.   
  
This is going to be easier than I though! said Clem triumphantly, as soon as the french guy was out of ear-shot. We can just get Dean and get out.  
And the drug dealers...? Hermione reminded her.  
Well... I dunno. Maybe Britney will help us. Look, I'll think of something, okay? Let's just cross that bridge when we get to it.  
Didn't Britney Spears sign a contract with Pepsi? asked Lavender as they walked towards the elevator.   
Oh my gawd, she did! exclaimed Parvati. Somebody should tell _People Magazine_.  
And when are we going to find time to do that? asked Hermione. Haven't you been paying attention to anything that's been happening?  
they both replied flatly.   
  
  
A/N: Okay, that's the end of this chapter. Just for the record, the Gay Divorcé is the name of and old Fred and Ginger movie, but it's not like my version. It's a good movie though. Rent it if you can. Anyway, I hope you're enjoying my story. There will be another chapter shortly. Please review. Please!?!?!  



	3. 'Lift My Lamp Beside the Golden Door,' M...

  
Harry Potter does New York  
Chapter Three  
(Working Subtitle: Lift My Lamp Beside the Golden Door,' My Ars)  
by Deviant1  
  
It seems to me that three quarters of New York is security guards, Harry moaned.  
More like two thirds, still a lot, Hermione corrected.   
Only when Britney Spears is in town, Clem explained.   
They had arrived at Britney's room only to find that she had four beefy security guards standing in front of her door.   
We could all pile on the carts, suggested Parvati. We could definitely fit at least one or two more people down there. How many people could it take to ransack Britney Spears?  
And the guards, Hermion added.  
I could take them, growled Ron, rolling up his french maid sleeves. Just lemme at   
Forget it. We need a different plan, said Clem.   
Once, on Laverne and Shirley they got a room next to a famous person, and then they climbed out into a ledge thing, and they went into the famous person's room through the window, Lavender piped.  
You've been watching too much TV, Hermione snapped. That's even worse than your last idea.  
  
Now that I think about it, I guess I am kind of afraid of heights, said Ron, from the third story ledge they were all standing on. They hadn't been able to get the room next to Britney, but they got one on the same floor, so now they were edging along the ledge, paralyzed from fear of heights, and covered with pigeon crap. Actually, it's not really heights, it's falling that scares me, it's falling.  
It's more like hitting the ground, really, said Hermione, sounding prodigiously rational for someone standing on a third story ledge.   
I'm not fond of any of them, Lavender whined.  
At least we're not wearing those french maids' costumes anymore, Harry pointed out. We would have been freezing and everyone would be able to see up our skirts.  
Would you guys be quiet! She's going to hear us! hissed Clem.  
  
Lavender carefully picked the lock on the window with a nail file, a bobby pin, and some oil of oláy hand cream. She slid the window open and they all piled inside.   
Britney screamed.   
It's okay! said Dean quickly. They're friends of mine.  
Very good friends, Ron put in.  
Friends who have friends in high places, Parvati added.   
  
Listen, Dean, Hermione began. Clem got us into some trouble, and now we have to somehow get some drugs to Florida before somebody kills us.   
said Dean, nodding slowly, with no idea what Hermione was talking about.   
I've got to call Seamus and tell him where to bring the car, said Clem. May I please use your phone? Without waiting for an answer Clem picked up the phone and started dialing. Seamus... It's me... We're on the west side of the building... yeah, just bring the car over. Thanks! Arivederci!  
  
It took Seamus about fifteen minutes to get the car to the right part of the building; the Britney fans really held him up. In the mean time, Miss Spears told them all about how she was just trying to be true to herself and make music.   
She was interrupted by Seamus blasting the horn outside. Ron, Harry, and Clem flung the rope they had made out of bed sheets from the window and started shoeing people out. One by one, they made their way down the make-shift rope, which, remarkably, held strong as Lavender, Parvati, Ron, and Clem made their way down.   
You can go first, said Harry to Dean, eyeing the chain of sheets.   
Actually, Harry, you go ahead. I'd like to say goodbye to Britney first, Dean replied.   
Harry nodded and hoisted himself out the window.   
Dean began, his eyes already starting to moisten.  
hushed Britney, placing a finger over his lips. Lets just enjoy these last moments together.  
  
What are you so happy about? Ron demanded as Dean buckled up his seat belt.   
Oh, nothing.  
Well, where are we going _now_? Parvati demanded.   
I don't _know_! Clem replied frantically. We need to get 20 kilos of crack to Florida, and it needs to be there _today_! Where are we going to get that before midnight?  
Everyone turned slowly to Seamus. Ooooooh, no ya don't, said Seamus, backing away, although there really wasn't anywhere to back to, seeing as they were in a car. You're not getting the magic beans, nuh-uh.  
Gimme the drugs! Clem shouted. In a split second she was wrestling Seamus to the ground in the back seat, determined to get the drugs from him.  
Hermione shrieked, Watch where you're going! but it was too late. The car veered off the road, and off the Verizano Bridge.   
  
SPLASH! The carrot car bobbed to the surface. Wow, I can't believe we survived that, said Harry, shaking water out of his hair.   
Got it! proclaimed Clem, grabbing a giant garbage bag full of white powder from Seamus (how did he manage to carry that in his pocket?).  
That's not for you! Seamus shouted, shoving Clem. Clem nearly lost her balance, but caught herself before falling out of the car. Unfortunately, in efforts to save herself from getting wetter, she dropped the bag.   
They watched it sink down into the murky waters, and Hermione said, Drugs are grotty things anyway.  
If I weren't so enlightened, I'd seek revenge, said Seamus angrily.  
Wow, you're like a Jedi, commented Lavender. She gazed at Seamus with new found respect and admiration.   
So what are we going to do now? asked Dean. We're stuck.  
I guess we need to paddle, Hermione said thoughtfully. That might take a while.  
Not to worry, said Clem, turning back to the group. The carrot car can shift to aqua mode. You must have noticed by now that this is no ordinary car.  
Net time, said Parvati, We take my car.  
Are we there yet? Seamus whined impatiently.   
  
I came to this country in 1876, Ron recited, with me mum, me two sisters, and me brother. Me dad had came earlier. We called this place the Island of tears. Clem had realized that they had no money at all, so while she thought of a plan, the rest of them played instruments at Ellis Island. They each told stories of the old country, and the journey to America, and adjusting their lives in a new country. When their shift was up, they got $20 each, and were herded back to the car, which was tethered to the dock outside.   
I've got a plan. It's actually one of my better plans, and it's going to fix all our problems, Clem explained. We need to get a lot of drugs, and we need to get it to Florida before midnight, right? The problem is we have no drugs, and it's nearly midnight now. So here's what we're going to do. We take the carrot car back to Long Island, get the portkey and go back to Hogwarts. Once at Hogwarts we get a large sack full of sugar from the kitchen, and Hermione's time turner. We go back to the beginning of the day, portkey back to the states, and hop a jet to the sunshine state.  
Is there any rule you're not planing of breaking tonight? Hermione asked peevishly. 


	4. 

A/N: Thanks to Lily of the Valley, Belladonna Bloom, and Padfoot, Moony, Prongs 4EVER. Reviews make the world go round.  
  
Harry Potter does New York  
Chapter Four   
(Working Subtitle: Mean, Magic, and Jelly Beans)  
by Deviant1  
  
Clem's plan was actually working pretty well, as all self incerted characters' plans tend to. With help from the invisibility cloak, the marauders map, flattery, and carefull planing, they managed to swipe the time turner from Mc Gonagal and get 20 kilos of sugar from those cuddly little elves.   
They decided to sneak out of Hogwarts throught the tunnel and then portkey back, because Clem needed to call the dealer, and her cell phone wouldn't work in Hogwarts. They managed to make it all the way to the statue of the one-eyed witch, when they heard a greesy voice behind them.  
And where do you think you are going? called Professor Snape.   
Clem studdered.   
They were busted for sure now. Harry knew what he had to do. We were just out for a walk. I'm glad I ran into you, He purred, reaching out and stroking the professors greasy, sallow cheek.   
Snape blushed for a moment, and then snapped back to his normal self. I believe you have a class you should be in now, Mr. Potter. Do you realize that you could be severly punished for cutting?  
Ooh, punish me, Harry cooed. Please. We'll be alone in the dungeons. Just you and me. You can make me do whatever you want. This time Snape turned very red in the face. Harry leaned in and whispered some things in Snape's ear. Having apeared in many, many fan fics, our little Harry was an expert on seducing teachers. So detention tonight? Don't be late. With that they turned and made their way down the hall. Snape, dumbfounded, just stood there watching, so Harry made sure to swing his hips a little extra when he walked.   
Once inside the tunnel, Harry snapped out of his act. He shrieked. I hate doing that!   
You're a good man, Harry, said Ron, patting Harry on the shoulder.   
  
They all crammed their heads inside the time-turner's rather short chain, and they zoomed back in time, to the begining of the day. They couldn't tell from the dark tunnel, or course, because it pretty much looked exactly the same all year round.   
I'll call and find out where to meet the dealer, said Clem, taking out her cell phone. She dialed a long number, which must have had at least 20 digets, and put the phone to her ear. Hello... it's me, Clem... Listen, there's been a change of plans. We're going to bring the goods down personally... of course. It's not like I'm a total mafia novice. So where do we meet?... Oh, that is so cool!.. Ciao! Clem hung up the phone, grinning like an idiot. You'll never believe where we're going... Disney World!  
That is like, so cool! Dean proclaimed happily.  
The Dursleys took Dudley there when I was five, Harry reflected. I had to stay with Mrs. Figg. I always wanted to go.  
So we're all for it? Clem asked, eyeing Hermione. Hermione did not reject the idea, so they portkeyed away.   
  
They stood infront of the gates to Disney Land, slathering sunscreen on themselves. Okay, I've got to meet the dealer in an hour, and all that you guys have to do is _stay_ _out_ _of_ _trouble_! That means no pop stars, no starring in musicals, no talking cats, no starting brawls, no stalking baseball players, and no magic beans. Are we clear?  
Are we gonna stand around talking all day or are we gonna hit the park? Parvati demanded.   
said Dean, cheering a bit. We're young, and free, and rich, and popular, and high on sugar. Let's go!  
So they wandered around the park a bit. Clem insisted on getting everyone those little Mickey Mouse eared hats with their names embroidered on the back, which they all threw in the water at Splash Mountain as soon as Clem's back was turned. They went to the nearest gift shop to buy more Disney junk.  
Honestly Dean. You've never seen _Pocahonta_s, and you don't play golf. What do you need _Pocahontas_ golf clubs for?  
Well what if I see it, and I really like it, and then I start playing golf. Then what? Huh? Dean argued. C'mon, it's just one suvenier.  
Just one suvenier?! I already bought you a _Beaty and the Beast_ night light, a _Fantasia_ fish tank, you have no fish, mind you, and I bought you **soap on a rope**.  
What's wrong with soap on a rope?  
What's wrong with soap on a rope!?!? Everything! There is everything wrong with soap on a rope! Who the hell thought it up anyway? You think they were just sitting there with a piece of soap in one hadn and a piece of rope in the other saying, soap... rope... _soap... rope_... they rhyme? Why not put them together. I've got it! SOAP ON A ROPE!' Why do you need to have soap and a rope together anyway? So you can hang yourself in the shower!? Clem waved around the sope on a rope angrily while everyone in the store staired at her. Harry, Ron and Hermione ducked behind a display of _Lady and the Tramp_ bathtowels.  
I happen to like soap on a rope, roared Dean. And you know why they put soap on a rope? It's convenient; okay!? The soap is always right there! You don't have to look around for it!  
What kind of idiot can't find soap in the shower? It's not that hard to find a piece of soap!  
People do get shampoo in their eyes, Clementine!  
Well rinse it out, dumbass! If you've got shampoo in your eyes you're not going to want soap! Oh! My eyes! I can't see and it stings teribly. Oh well. I'll just get back to washing myself and maybe it will go away.' That's smart, Dean.  
Shut up!  
Make me!  
You wanna piece of me, Nancy?  
Come over here and say that!  
Oh yeah?  
  
  
  
Will you two cut it out! interupted Hermione, stepping between them. Clem, you can't wig out like this every time someone wants to buy a suvenier.  
called Lavender, from across the store. They have Winney the Pooh jelly beans! Can I get some?  
jelly beans!?  
Hey! When do you have to meet that drug dealer? Harry asked, trying to distract Clem from another potential fight.  
Um... in about ten minutes.  
  
The Tiki Tiki Room.  
Ooh, that's far from here, said Ron. You better get a move on. You don't wanna be late.  
  
  
  
Way to get rid of Clem! Dean cheered, as soon as she was out of earshot. Can you believe she wouldn't let me get those golf clubs?  
So what should we do now? asked Lavender.  
I wanna go on some rides, said Seamus.  
Ron shouted. Space Mountain, here we come!  
shrieked Seamus. NO! It's _way_ too scary. I was thinking more like the tea cups and the merry-go-round.  
We are _not_ going on the tea cups, said Parvati firmly. C'mon. Those rides are for _babies_.  
Harry, you'll go on the tea cups with me, won't you, Harry?  
Oh, alright.  
  
Harry and Seamus had been twirling around on the tea cups for nearly and hour. Harry was fealing ill. The ride finally slowed to a stop and Harry thanked God.  
squealed Seamus. Lets ride the tea cups _again_!  
said Harry, clutching his stomache, We've been on the tea cups 20 bleedin times already. I will not ride the tea cups anymore. But at that moment the tea cups there were currently in lurched into motion again. Harry felt the four bags of Winney the Pooh jelly beans he had consumed rising up out of his stomache. I gotta go, he croaked. With that, he lept out of the moving tea cup, crawled under a bush, and vomited.   
a shrill voice said. What the bloody ell are you doing under that bush? The person gave him a kick in the shins and dragged him from the pool of vommit. Poor little thing. Tell me all about it, They demanded, trying to sound gentle. Harry groaned, looking up at the repulsivley familiar face.   
  
A/N: Who ever guesses who it is gets a cookie. Review!


	5. Possessed Parade

A/N: Thanks to reviewers Vanilla Coke (you bite! DreamStreet rulz!), Belladonna Bloom, and Richal (you're dead wrong)   
  
  
Harry Potter does New York  
Chapter Five  
(Working Subtitle: Possessed Parade)  
  
Harry groaned, looking at the repulsively familiar face. Harry, _darling_, the woman cried, brushing him off. I had no _idea_ you'd be in Disney world. Why, aren't you supposed to be in school?  
shouted Parvati, running over. I see you've met our new friend, Rita Skeeter. We were just talking about you.  
Harry paled.   
said Rita Skeeter. I've recently gotten a job near here, working for The Weekly World News. I know they would _love_ an article on Americas favorite little wizard.  
Do come have lunch with us, said Parvati. Dean and I have been catching Ms. Skeeter up on _everything_ that's been happening since she left England.  
Like what? Harry asked warily.   
Why don't you sit down with us so we can have a chat? suggested Rita. Harry reluctantly agreed to join them. So what have you been up to? Rita asked, leaning over so her face was right up close to Harry's.  
Nothing really, Harry answered, shrugging.  
_Nothing!_ He's so modest! declared Dean. Harry defeated you-know-who last fall. But I suppose you hear that already. Voldemort had been defeated', but Harry had little to do with it. The Dark Lord had fallen out of a tree outside Harry's bedroom window, and sprained his ankle. Later, Dudley ran him over with his scooter. Harry found the corpse and notified the ministry. It had been hushed up; Harry didn't want the publicity. Only his very closest friends knew, and a girl named angel_pricezz_61187, whom he met in a chat room, knew what really happened. The rest of the world was left to wonder.  
exclaimed Rita. I had no _idea_! Harry, _darling_, you _must_ tell me _all_ about it.  
My cousin ran over him on his razor scooter, Harry mumbled, blushing.   
How _fascinating_! proclaimed Rita, scribbling notes on her napkin. Tell me _more_.  
It's really classified information, said Harry. I'm not supposed to tell anybody. This wasn't exactly true, but Harry really did not want to talk about it.   
But, Darling, said Rita, pouting. I thought we were friends. I thought we could tell each other anything.  
You'll have to excuse Harry, Parvati cut in. He's just a bi shy, that's all. The battle was really quite hunky-dory. Harry doesn't especially like to talk about it. But it was really sensational.  
Oh yes, Dean picked up. Just when you-know-who had his wand to Harry's through, Harry grabbed a...  
A tooth brush! Parvati finished enthusiastically. He took the tooth brush and he gouged you-know-who in the eye with it. And then he passed out cold.  
Who passed out? Harry, or the Dark Lord? Rita asked, looking up from her notes.   
said Dean. They were both unconscious, but you-know-who came around first. And he was about to finish Harry off when...  
Harry's cousin, a muggle, rode in heroically on his scooter. The Dark Lord turned his wand on Harry's cousin. I think the boy's name is...  
...Calhoun! His name is Calhoun, god rest his soul. He was murdered by you-know-who.  
But not before he saved Harry's life! He tackled you-know-who to the ground. Put up a good fight. He held out just long enough for...  
For Harry to kill you-know-who. They were both very happy, until they realized that Calhoun had been struck with a poison arrow.  
Purple Yin. That was the poison. There's to anecdote.  
Antidote, you idiot. And there was one. Harry rushed off to brew the potion that would save Calhoun.  
But alas, he was too late. Calhoun's last words were, Etnegludni eragororp asrob soinegni.' it means...  
My spirit will be with you always.' It's so touching.  
I cried when Harry told me.  
You can see why he's so sensitive about discussing it.  
But we're not.  
I have to go! Harry said, standing up so suddenly that his chair fell over. He didn't care. He wanted to get out. Harry exited the restaurant with as much grace as he could with everyone staring at him.   
He got on one of those train things that are all over Florida, and sat down next to the most unusually dressed girl. She was wearing a perry winkle blue ball gown, a tiara, white evening gloves, and glass slippers.   
  
Harry gasped. What are you doing? Why are you dressed like that?  
It's really quite a cool story. I was in the gift shop buying the most adorable Alice in Wonderland tea set- isn't that a clever idea, and _Alice in Wonderland_ tea set?- when the guy at the counter tells me my credit card is maxed out. OMG, I was so embarrassed! And the guy behind me tells me that if I need some money they need a Cinderella for a parade, because the girl who was supposed to be Cinderella got sick, and he said I was just the right size for the costume. So I'm all, ya, okay,' so now I'm on my way to the parade. I get to be on a float!  
You get to be on a float!? That's the best thing that's happened to any of us since we started this fic.  
Yeah. Apparently a whole bunch of parade people got sick, so there just searching for people who can dress up as Disney characters on short notice.  
Do you think... maybe I would be able to be in the parade? Harry asked sheepishly.   
Maybe. Why don't you come with me and see?  
Harry smiled. Dudley had a giant collection of Disney movies when he was little. Dudley didn't like them much because they weren't violent enough, but Harry had always been a fan. The happy endings made him feel good.   
They found their way to DPHQ (Disney Parade Head Quarters). Lavender lead Harry over to a fat, ugly man with a pony tail, a pointy beard, and a clip board. His name tag read .  
Hey, I'm Lavender Brown. I'm here to be Cinderella.   
Ah yea, Lavender Broon. He murmured, scanning his list for her name.  
she corrected.  
Whatever. You're on float jk8v; it looks like a pumpkin patch.   
Lavender started to her float, but Harry grabbed her arm and cleared his through for attention. When she looked at him inquisitively, Harry coughed a bit more, hoping to jog her memory. said Lavender, catching on. She turned to Perth. My friend Harry has a bit of a cough. Would you happen to have a cough drop or something for him, would you?  
Perth dug into his pocket. I've got a lifesaver, he said, brandishing an orange ring covered with lint.   
Harry cried, I want to be on a float; do you have any spots open?   
Perth hummed, studying the clip board again. Yeah, on the _Little Mermaid_ float we need a dark haired male of about 5' 2. How tall are you?  
I'm 5' 2 Harry lied.   
Okay. Float fn8d.  
Harry clasped his hands together and squealed with joy. The prince from _The Little Mermaid_ was one of his favorite characters, and now he was going to be him in a Disney Parade.  
  
This isn't what I had in mind! yelled Harry, from inside his big, yellow fish costume.  
Oh, shut up, said Ursula, whacking Harry with one of her tentacles.   
Nobody likes a complainer, added King Triton.   
Harry, what are you doing in that fish costume? asked Ariel.  
I'm Flounder, your lovable fish friend, moron, Harry replied bitterly.  
But why are you in Disney World in the first place? she asked, sounding genuinely curious.   
None of your business, Harry returned.  
Are Ron and Hermione here too?  
How do you know Ron and Hermione!?  
Well Ron_ is_ my brother.  
Harry gasped. What are you doing in a parade in Disney World?  
I could ask you the same thing.  
Fair enough.  
The float lurched forward. Harry did his best to flop about merrily and look cute. Twice, he almost fell off, but the guy in the seagull suit saved him.   
Someone yelled from the crowds. They repeated. Harry saw Hermione making her way to the front of the crowd. Knocking a police officer out of the way, Hermione hurtled onto the float. she gasped, ignoring that fact that everyone was staring at her and several small children had begun to cry. Ron is missing. I came back from the bathroom (the bathrooms here are very nice, by the way. Very clean) and Ron was gone! You've got to help me find him!  
Harry hissed, we're in the middle of a parade!   
Oh my _god_! exclaimed Hermione, looking around, just realizing exactly what was going on. We are on a parade float! She paused for a moment, deep in thought. Harry, have you ever seen _Ferris Buellers Day Off_? She had a mischievous smile on her face, and an insane glint in her eye.   
Harry groaned, dreading the inevitable. Corny music began blaring from nowhere. Hermione pulled a microphone out of thin air and started singing, off key as usual.   
_Danke Shoen, darling Danke Shoen  
Thank you for all the joy and pain  
Picture show, second balcony,  
Was the place we meet  
Second seat  
Go dutch treat  
You were sweet  
  
Danke Shoen, darling, danke shoen  
Save those lies. Darling don't explain  
I recall central park in fall  
How you tore your dress  
What a mess  
I confess  
That's not all  
  
Danke shoen, darling danke shoen  
Thank you for, waltz down lovers lane  
I can see hearts carved on a tree  
letters intertwine  
for all time  
yours and mine  
that was fine  
  
Danke shoen, darling, danke shoen  
Thank you for seeing me again  
Though we go on our sep'rate ways  
Still the mem'ry stay  
For always  
My heart says: danke shoen  
  
Danke Shoen  
I'll be the same  
Danke Shoen  
  
_ Hermione took a bow and the crowd applauded bizarrely. Harry noted that Clem, and the author of the fic, must be a prodigious geek to know all the words to _Danke Shoen_. Somewhere in the far corners of Disney World, Clem burst into tears. _  
_Why did I do that? questioned Hermione. That was so out of character.  
Don't start being reasonable yet, Ginny said. It sounds like they want and encore.  
But... but... Hermione stuttered, suddenly very disconcerted, I don't know any songs, and I don't know how to make music play out of no where, and the microphone has disappeared again!   
Hermione, I think you must simply be going insane, Harry concluded.  
Yes, that must be it, agreed Ginny.  
Well what do I do now? Hermione asked dizzily.   
Not knowing what to do is very out of character, Ginny pointed out, so I guess that means your slipping back into dementia.  
Oh good, said Hermione, alleviated. So what should I sing now?   
Whatever you sing, sing it fast, cause here comes the cops! Harry cried.   
What a clever little pun commented Ginny, as she leaped from the float.  
That's not a pun, said Hermione. It's not clever either.  
  
  
Harry, Hermione, and Ginny ran into the crowd, which was a difficult task because Harry and Ginny still had fish tails. I knew this was a bad idea! yelled Harry, as they rushed blindly into through the park.  
  
  
  
Where is Ron? More cookies for whoever can guess. Review!


	6. The Madness of Hermione Granger

A/N: Thanks for reviewing to Ginger Granger, Hanni B (sorry about your socks), and Lily of the Valley.   
  
Harry Potter Does New York  
Chapter 6  
(Working Subtitle: The Madness of Hermione Granger)  
by Deviant1  
  
Harry, Hermione, and Ginny had been running for nearly half and hour, trying to escape the DWPD (Disney World Police Department). I think we lost said Ginny breathlessly, collapsing on a park bench.   
Thank god! sighed Hermione. I can't believe I sang _Danke Shoen_ on a _Little Mermaid_ parade float.  
Me neither, said Harry. Hermione, what were you saying about Ron before you burst into song?  
cried Hermione, suddenly very upset and worried again. Ron is missing! He disappeared while I was in the bathroom! I've been looking all over for him! Hermione looked like she was on the verge of tears.  
There, there, said Harry, laying a comforting fin on her shoulder (remember, he's still in the fish suit). We'll find Ron. He couldn't have gone far.  
Yes, lets look for him, said Ginny.  
  
Insert page from _Where's Waldo_ here Can _you_ find Ron?  
  
They searched for hours and didn't find a single trace of him. They did, however, discover some other pretty strange and disconcerting secrets about Disney world that _nobody_ is supposed to know. But that's a different story.   
Hermione shouted, cupping her hands around her mouth. Where are you, Ron? She had been a bit unhinged since the _Danke Shoen_ incident.   
There you are! Someone called.  
Hermione whirled around. But it was not Ron. It was Clem, accompanied by Seamus, Dean and Parvati. Dean and Parvati were arguing.  
Harry so did not have an affair with Dumbledore. That is so stupid!  
Well it's better than your story about him joining the Canadian Circus!  
My story made sense, because he had a girl friend in Canada.  
Well my story was romantic.  
So was mine!  
Circuses are not romantic!  
Neither are 120-year-old guys!  
You're an idiot!   
Better than you! Dean threw a punch at Parvati. Parvati kicked Dean. Dean pulled on a chunk of Parvati's hair.   
Stop it! yelled Clem. When they continued to fight, she bopped them each with a _Pochahontas_ golf club. Dean and Parvati gave Clem evil looks and rubbed their heads where Clem had hit them. Seamus giggled. Where are Ron and Lavender? asked Clem.   
Here I is! someone called. Hermione turned around hopefully, but alas, it was only Lavender. She waved and evening glove clad hand at them and trotted over.  
But where is Ron? Hermione cried.   
Maybe he's back at the hotel, suggested Clem.  
  
Has Mr. Ronald Weasley checked in yet? Hermione asked the desk clerk hopefully.   
Weasley... nope. Sorry ma'am, The clerk replied politely. There was, however, a message left by a mister Roy Weezy. Is that who you meant?  
Hermione took the piece of paper from the clerk. She read the note and her eyes widened. Oh no!  
What is it? demanded Ginny.   
Parvati craned her neck to read the note over Hermione's shoulder. She snorted in laughter. she chuckled. Got arrested.  
cried Harry in shock.   
He didn't say, said Hermione.  
I say we let him sit for a while and let him think about what he's done, said Clem. Wonder what he did.  
Ron would never do anything wrong! said Hermione indignantly. We are going to bale him out right now! She grabbed Clems wrist and and pulled her out of the hotel lobby. The others followed, somewhat reluctantly.   
  
Hermione cried, running up to the cell where a lonely stinky man in need of a shave was sitting dejectedly. Look what they've done to you! She sobbed. Your hair is not even red anymore! Why!? Why of all people where you made to rott away in this urine soaked hell hole?  
said Ron from his cell. That's Lester. I'm over here.  
she cried again, this time running up to the right cell.   
Ron, what have you done now? asked Dean.   
Yeah, what the f*** did you do now? said Clem.  
Well, I saw Wormtail, so I tried to kill him. But it wasn't really Wormtail. It was some guy in a Mickey Mouse costume. It's not my fault. It's so hard to tell the difference between a mouse and a rat, though I guess that mouse was a bit bigger than Scabbers.   
You've got to stop letting your temper get the better of you, Harry scolded.   
Why are you dressed as a fish? Ron asked.  
Harry blushed. Never mind! He snapped, his voice cracking a little.   
Ooh! I'm telling Mom! said Ginny ecstatically. You are going to be in such big trouble!  
Clem opened up her purse and began digging around for bale money. said Seamus, We don't have to pay, just drop your name and we can all go.  
Seamus, no! yelled Clem, but it was too late.   
  
Clem swatted Seamus on the back of the head. Ow! What was that for? Seamus demanded.   
Never drop your name to a cop! Clem growled through clenched teeth. They were all now sitting on the floor of Ron's cell, wearing old fashion striped prison uniforms. The stench drifting over through the bars of Lester's cell was less that pleasant, and Lester himself kept giving them unnerving, menacing, murderous looks. They had been accused of conspiring with Ron, and beating up the mouse as some sort of hate crime. You better hope we get a really good lawyer, because you won't last ten minutes in the slammer; I'll make sure of it!  
Once, on an episode of _I Love Lucy_... Lavender began, but Clem smacked her too.  
That's enough out of you, said a jailer, who had appeared at their cell while they had been busy hitting each other. C'mon kids. Time for your trial. He unlocked the door and they all followed him out.  
  
This is the court of _Judge Judy_. The people are real. The cases are real. The rulings are final, said a disembodied voice.   
Oh my _gawd_! squealed Parvati. We're on _Judge Judy_!  
Aw! I wanted to be on _Sally_, whined Lavender.   
I wonder if Rita's watching, said Dean.  
barked Judge Judy, slamming her judge-hammery-thing (what the heck is that think called!?) Now I understand Mr. Carl Grigorio is suing you for attacking him when you were in Disney World, correct?  
A murmur of confusion rippled through the group. Yes, your honor, spoke Ron, then to the group he whispered, that's the guy in the Mickey Mouse costume.  
Well, Mr. Weasley, would you please describe, in your own words, exactly what happened?  
Well, we had just finished riding the merry go round, said Ron nervously, reading the notes Clem had scribbled on his hand earlier, when this dude dressed as Mickey comes over and starts sexually harassing Hermione.  
How did he harass her?  
Er... He called her a whore and... er... touched her inappropriately.  
And what did you do?  
I defended her maidenly innocence and slugged the guy.  
Mr. Grigorio, is that what happened? asked Judge Judy, rounding on Carl Grigorio, who had a brace around his neck, his arm in a sling, and some very nasty looking bruises.   
No! He just saw me and attacked. He tried to strangle me with a _Lady and the Tramp_ dish towel!  
Don't pee on my leg and tell me it's raining! snapped Judge Judy. You expect me believe that this young man tried to kill you for no reason at all?  
replied Mr. Grigorio  
Mr. Potter, said Judge Judy. You are Mr. Weasley's best friend of five years. Yes? Harry nodded. Have you ever known him to act insane or delusional?  
No, Ma'am, Harry replied. Well, there was that summer when we experimented a little, but that's different.  
I'm sure it is. Ms. Swan, where were you when the incident occurred?  
I was buying an ice-cream cone from a vendor nearby, she lied. I saw Ron punch the mouse, and then Mr. Grigorio tried to bite Ron, and then Harry threw up under a bush.  
Mr. Finnigan, can you vouch for this?   
I was on the tea cups. Harry got sick and threw up under a bush. Then he went to have lunch with Dean and Parvati.  
Ms. Brown, Where were you when all this occurred?  
Me? I was on a parade float. Ginny was there too. She was Ariel.  
And speaking of the parade, Ms. Granger, where were you?  
Well, after Ron got arrested, I went looking for the others. I found Lavender and Ginny on the floats.  
And what did you do?  
Hermione blushed. I sang a Wayne Newton song.  
Listen, if you were my daughter I wouldn't put up with this crap from you, young lady. Why were you singing on the Little Mermaid float?  
Have you ever seen _Ferris Bueller's Day Off_?  
Don't pee on my leg and tell me it's raining! Listen, you can't just jump on floats and...  
Excuse me, Ginny cut in. What does the danke shoen incident have to do with my brother attacking a giant mouse?  
Don't interrupt me! Judge Judy barked. You have no respect! Do you have any idea how much trouble you've caused?  
Yes, ma'am.  
Don't you, yes, ma'am,' me. You think I got this job because I'm stupid? Nuh-uh, I got this job cause I'm smart. And you're not fooling anybody with your yes ma'am's. You understand me?! I'm ready to make my decision.  
Oh no, Harry groaned. We're cooked now for sure.  
Who will save us? wailed Seamus.  
Someone kicked through the courtroom door. Fear not, Harry and friend of Harry! cried a fat boy standing on a gold razor scooter and wearing a cape. It was Dudley! I will save you!  
My hero! sighed Parvati, falling over in a dramatic swoon.  
The theme song from _Mighty Mouse_ began to play as Dudley scooted around the courtroom and sang, Here I come to save the day! Dudley scooted a bit, and then he scooted some more, and then he stopped and rested for a bit, and then he went right on back to scooting.   
said Harry, Are you going to scoot around all day, or are you going to save us?  
I will save you! said Dudley in a mighty voice. Hop on my golden scooter of justice and I will scoot us all to safety! They did just so with out hesitation, and soon they were far far away from the wrath of the evil Judge Judy. Well, it looks like my job here is done, said Dudley, when he felt they were a save distance from any danger. They dismounted the scooter.  
Thank you so much, said Clem.  
No need to thank me, ma'am. It's all in a days work. With that, Dudley scooted off into the sunset.   
What are we going to do now? Harry asked. We're in the middle of nowhere.  
Shut up and get in the car, said Hermione.   
We don't have a car.  
**_GET IN THE CAR!_** Hermione roared.  
She's loosing it again, Clem murmured.  
said Ron uneasily, opening the door to an imaginary car. Look, I'm in the car. The other got into the too.  
Now drive, Hermione ordered.   
Ron put and imaginary key in an imaginary ignition. Vroom vroom, He said, We're really driving now. Then he turned to the group and whispered. On my cue we put her in a full body bind. all right? They nodded.  
Is everybody having fun!? Hermione asked, with murder in her eyes.   
they all replied.   
DON'T MAKE ME STOP THIS CAR! She screamed. You kids better behave.  
Ron shouted. There were a series of small explosions, and a lot of confusion, but in the end they had Hermione in a magical straight-jacket.  
Let me go! she wailed. Let me go or you'll regret it!  
We'd better get her back to Hogwarts and to the infirmary, Harry said. Everyone agreed, except for Hermione, who's response was, Clowns will eat you all! They picked her up (Give me back my shoe! she shrieked) and they all aparated back to Hogwarts. Normally nobody under 18 can aparate, and nobody can aparate at Hogwarts, but luckily there was a big plot hole in the no aparation barrier.   
They were greeted by a rather unpleasant sight. Snape and Dumbledore were sitting on lawn chairs in the hall. Dumbledore was listening intently to an old fashion radio, and Snape was watching an old rabbit eared tv on a card table. Their backs were to the group and Snape and Dumbledore had yet to notice the nine teenagers that had appeared out of nowhere behind them. Harry instinctively clasped a hand over Hermione's mouth so she couldn't yell nonsense and get them all caught. Hermione bit Harry's hand. Harry shouted. Snape turned around  
Ah, Mr. Potter, he said greasily.  
Ah, Mr. Snape, Harry returned.  
I was just watching _Judge Judy_, Snape said. Harry blanched. Snape smiled ominously. Beating up a man in a _Mickey Mouse_ suit. My, my, Potter. How many points shall I take from Griffindor this time? Snapes love for Harry had obviously expired by now, and thus, they were in some deep shit.  
Wait a second, Dean interrupted. _You_ watch _Judge Judy_!? Ha ha! Dean, Seamus, Clem, and Lavender all found this hysterically funny and fell over laughing. _Snape_ watches _Judge Judy_! Snape blushed and growled at them, which only made them laugh harder.   
He yelled, in defeat, and went back to his soaps.  
You children wouldn't happen to know anything about the muggle sport baseball, would you? Dumbledore asked suddenly. Dean, Seamus, Clem, and Lavender immediately stopped laughing. I'm listening to a Yankee game on the radio and it sounds as if two girls quite similar to Miss Brown and Miss Patil have just been thrown from the field.  
We weren't at any baseball game, said Parvati quickly.  
_We_ _weren't_, Lavender said desperately. We're here!  
Of course you were, said Dumbledore, a merry twinkle in his eye. I was just pointing out what an unusual coincidence it was. Now, you might want to be getting your friend Miss Granger to the hospital wing. She appears to be foaming at the mouth.  
They all looked over at Hermione, who was chewing on one of the suits of armor. Thankful for an excuse to leave they approached Hermione and attempted to haul her off for Madam Pomfry to deal with. C'mon, Hermione, coaxed Clem, We're going to take you _away, he he ha ha ho ho_. Hermione cawed like a crow.  
  
Madam Pomfry was sitting at her desk, reading a magazine, when they arrived. Can I help you? she asked.  
said Harry. The problem is Hermione. She's... well it seems she's a bit...  
She's gone batty! said Seamus. dotty, loopy, no compos mentis. She's flipped her lip, popped her top. She's got herself a one-way ticket to the funny farm. I mean cookoo cookoo, CRAZY!  
You kiss your mama with that mouth? demanded Ron.  
Hermione's not here right now, squawked Hermione. This is Davie.  
said Madam Pomfy, setting down her magazine, Is it true that Cher is the surrogate mother for your baby?  
Harry sputtered.   
said Dean and Parvati in unison.   
But it's not just one baby, it's triplets!  
So who's the mother? asked Madam Pomfry.  
Vega Verita, a sexy Sicilian mob boss Harry met last summer when he was vacationing in Rome.  
Of course his girlfriend, the Canadian circus star, she thinks the baby is hers.  
And Regis Philbin thinks Cher is the biological mother and he's the father.  
coughed Ron indignantly. Hermione is insane here. Shouldn't we try to help her instead of gossiping about people I've never heard of.  
sighed Madam Pomfry. But when I'm done you'll have to tell me all about Harry's plastic surgery. So when did the symptoms begin?  
Harry stuttered. This afternoon.  
What did she do?  
She jumped on a parade float and sang _Danke Shoen_.  
Did she know all the words? Harry nodded gravely. Oh deer! This is serious. all right, everybody out. This calls for immediate action. She picked up a broom and started shooing the kids out of the room.   
NO BEER AND NO TV MAKE HERMO-NINNY GO CRAZY! they heard Hermione shout just before the heavy doors slammed behind them.   
You think Hermione's gonna be all right? asked Ron, worried.  
Who cares? We got away with everything! Seamus cheered.  
No thanks to you, Clem reminded him.  
Who cares? We got away with everything! Seamus repeated.  
I guess you have a point. Well, we're still young and free, and rich, and popular, and high on sugar. Lets go have some fun! Clem declared.  
they all shouted, and ran off cheering.  
  
They'd been running and cheering around the castle for an hour or two, and they were quite out of breath. This is dumb, said Dean. We just keep running. Where are we going?  
I dunno, replied Seamus, I thought we were just running.  
We should run _to_ someplace, said Harry thoughtfully, sitting down to rest.   
I know! Let's go visit Hermione, suggested Ron brightly. The others shrugged in agreement.  
We've got nothing better to do, said Lavender.  
Yeah! We've got nothing better to do! They cheered, and ran off again.  
  
Lavender picked the lock on the infirmary door, as was her specialty. She pushed the door open cautiously, peeked in, and fainted. The others shoved the door wide open and were greeted by a ghastly sight. Hermione was sitting with her feet propped up on Madam Pomfry's desk, chewing on a great big piece of raw meat that looked like a leg. At the end of the leg was what they recognized as Madam Pomfry's shoe, and Madam Pomfry's head was sitting in Hermione's lap.   
What have you done? Seamus gasped.   
Hermione turned to them. Her bloodstained lips curved into an evil smile.   
Harry screamed. They dashed down the hall screaming.   
Hermione shot off after them.   
  
A/N: I confess I was going to end this story three chapters ago, but I decided to continue because it was fun. Then I was going to end it this chapter, but I got an idea about four chapters ago, and decided to run with it. So what will happen now? If you want to find out, you first must review. Cookies this time for whoever can tell me what that judge-hammer-thing is called. I really don't know. 


	7. Scary FanFic

Harry Potter does New York  
Chapter Seven  
(Working Subtitle: Scary fanfic)  
by Deviant1  
  
When we last left our beloved characters, Hermione had eaten the school nurse, and the other had dashed away in fear, trampling Lavender in the process. They ran down the hall with Hermione hot on their heels. You can run, my pretties, but you can't hide! she yelled.  
Suddenly they made a sharp turn down an empty corridor. They pressed up against the wall, hoping Hermione wouldn't see them. Miraculously, she rushed past them.   
Quick, in here, Harry whispered, gesturing to an empty classroom. They swiftly ducked in and locked the door behind them.   
Oh god! Whined Parvati. I always knew Granger was a psycho after that dress she wore to the Yule Ball, but I had no idea she was really a... Parvati made a motion like she was stabbing someone with a knife, ... _psycho_.  
Do you think it was Ron's disappearance or that awful court room scene that unhinged her? asked Dean.   
If you ask me it was bad writing, growled Ron, rounding on Clem. Clem backed away, cautiously. You've continued this fic long enough, and it's time to put and end to it. END TO IT!   
gasped Clem, but it was in vain. Ron knew what he had to do, darn him if anything was going to stop him now.  
I'm going to do something I should have done a long time ago. Porcius! a jet of pink light flashed out of Ron's wand and hit Clem. There was a poof of smoke, and then she was gone. The faint smell of bacon lingered in the air. Where Clem had been standing was now a little pink pig, which was squealing madly.  
Oh my gosh, Ron, said Harry in disbelief. You've turned her into a pig.  
It had to be done Harry, replied Ron, shaking his head. It just had to be done.  
Oy, shu'up, said Seamus suddenly. I think I hear something.   
Ron clamped his hand over the pig's mouth and they were all very quiet. Far off, they heard someone singing softly. _Danke shoen, darling, danke shoen..._ They held their breath as the singer got closer and the singing grew louder. _Thank you for all the joy and pain..._ They could hear it right outside the door. The sound dwindled, and finally disappeared, indicating that Hermione had gone to reep havoc on some other part of the Hogwarts castle.  
Here's Johnny! Hermione chopped through the door with an ax. They recoiled and screamed in terror. Hermione raised the ax high above her head and brought it down with a swoop. Seamus's head dropped dully off his head and landed on the floor with a thud. Blood (don't worry, it's really just ketchup) flew everywhere.  
Hermione, you b*tch! yelled Seamus's head from the floor. I can't believe you chopped off my head!  
Not like you ever used it, quipped Ron. Seamus's body went over to Ron and started kicking him. Hey! Quit it!  
Hermione yelled. They turned their attention back to Hermione, who once again had the ax held high, poised to strike.   
Seamus grabbed his screaming head off the floor and they all ran like the wind. Hermione shot off after them. She's gaining on us! Dean shouted. Lucky for them there was a conveniently placed tricycle in the middle of the hall, just big enough for them all to ride on.   
They zoomed down the hall on the big wheel, until Hermione was well out of sight. That was close, sighed Harry, peddling along the dimly lit corridor.  
Come play with us.  
Who said that? yelled Parvati.  
Come join our tea party.  
Parvati went white. She grabbed Harry's arm and pointed to two figures standing at the end of the hall. Two twins were there looking at the group grimily. Come play with us.  
Fred! George! Ron gasped.   
We want to play, said George.  
Join our tea party, said Fred, holding out a canary custard. It will be lots off fun.  
They sprung from the tricycle and ran in the opposite direction. Fred and George made no efforts to go after them, but still the group ran and ran... until they ran into Hermione.   
Hello, everybody, said Hermione, quite pleasantly. Sorry I freaked out and killed a bunch of people. I guess I was a little bit possessed.  
It's okay, Hermione, said Ron. We all freak out sometimes.  
agreed headless Seamus. Remember when made a pipe bomb and blew up that charms classroom? I don't know what had gotten into me. They all laughed merrily, recollecting Seamus's silliness.  
Let's all go back to the common room and have a friendly game of exploding snap, suggested Harry.  
All right, said Parvati, but first I need to take a shower and wash off all this fake blood.   
  
Parvati happily washed away the last traces of ketchup from her hair. She picked up her shampoo bottle and started singing the song from the Herbal Essence commercial, as she always did when nobody could hear.  
_She's got the urge -natural botanicals- She's got the urge to herbal!_ Hermione sneaked stealthily into the bathroom, trusty dagger in hand. She'd left the game of exploding snap early, saying she was exhausted from all that killing, and that something she ate was giving her a bit of a stomach ache. Little did her deceivable friends know, the killing had just kicked off. _I hope those boys come back for the body wash._ Hermione threw back the shower curtain. Parvati screamed at the top of her lounges.   
Hermione waved the knife around vehemently and squirted Parvati with ketchup. Hermione, I just washed off all that ketchup! Parvati put a hand over her wound' and staggered around the bathroom. She grabbed the shower curtain for stability, but it could not hold her weight. The little rungs snapped one by one and she and the shower curtain both fell to the floor. Hermione laughed evilly and ran of to commit more random acts of violence.  
  
I've got a bad feeling about this, scouts.   
Harry rolled over in his bed. It was around midnight and he just couldn't sleep. Hermione's switch from evil back to good seemed to suddenly perfect. But that wasn't what was keeping Harry up. It was Neville's _Sailor Moon_ doll, which said things when you pushed its tummy. Neville had rolled over on top of it in his sleep around half an hour ago, and it had been keeping Harry awake ever since.  
I stand for love and justice.  
Maybe Harry Potter's insomnia on that fateful night was just chance, or maybe it was fate. Whatever the reason, it was a good thing Harry was awake. If he hadn't been awake nobody would have heard the soft footstep creeping up the stairs; nobody would have heard the faint creek of the door being opened; nobody would have heard the sound of the sword being drawn; nobody would have heard the curtains of Ron's bed being drawn; nobody would have heard the quiet, evil laugh of a person possessed by a cold-hearted killer. Needless to say, Harry Potter did.   
Harry peaked out from his curtains, and was terrified by what he saw. Hermione's sword was hovering over Ron's chest. She licked her lips maliciously and and raised the sword. With brain sick determination in her eyes, she brought the sword down.   
In the name of the moon, I will punish you!  
Harry cried, just before the sword could pierce Ron's skin. The sword flew from Hermione's hands, and was caught by Harry. Harry then stabbed his pillow with it (just to be dramatic) and struck a superman pose, hand on his hips, imaginary cape flapping behind him in the breeze.  
*Gasp* Tuxedo Mask!   
His dramatic moment cut short by Sailor Moon, Harry decided he's better wake the others and make a run for it.   
Moon... prism... POWER!  
  
She'll never find us in here, whispered Dean. He, Harry, and Ron were hiding in a coat closet. Seamus's headless body had ran off to look for his head, which Mrs. Norris had rolled into her litter box. Clem had been turned into a pig, they had unintentionally trampled Lavender when they were running from Hermione, and her body had later been stuffed in a broom closet (don't worry, she's not dead), and Parvati was still lying on the bathroom floor after being doused with ketchup. Not just any ketchup, Heins Tomato Ketchup, it's fun for your food *wink*flashy smile*. So now it was just the three boys who were left.   
The closet door was throw open. Hermione stood, silhouetted in moonlight, snarling at them. You though you could escape, did you? She growled. Thought you could pull a fast on on HERMIONE GRANGER?! They nodded weakly. WELL YOU CAN'T! she roared. Nobody can outsmart me. I am Hermione Granger and I AM GOD! They backed away, deeper into the closet. You were fools to resist me, she continued, starting to sound like Voldemort. And you shall now be punished for your foolishness. PREPARE TO DIE!... what's this? Hermione, who had been waving a gun around, suddenly stopped and became very interested in a coat on a hanger (A/N: you Joan Crawford fans know where this is going). My coat is on a wire hanger? _NO WIRE HANGERS!_ Hermione wailed. _What's wire hangers doing in this closet when I told you no wire hangers?! EVER!!!! I work till I'm half dead and I hear people say she's getting old! What do I get ? A daughter who cares as much about a beautiful dress I give her as she cares about me. What's wire hangers doing in this closet?! Answer me! I buy you beautiful dresses and you treat 'em like some dishrag! You threw a 300 dollar dress on a wire hanger! We'll see how many you got hidden in here, we'll see! All of this is coming out! Out! Out! Out! Out! We're gonna see how many wire hangers you got in your closet! Wire hangers. Why? Why? Christina, get out of that bed! Get out of that bed!_ Hermione picked up a wire hanger and began to beat Dean with it. _You live in the most beautiful house in Brentwood and you don't care about crease marks from wire hangers, and your room looks like some two dollar unfurnished room in some two- bit back street town in Oklahoma! Get up! Clean up this mess! Did you scrub the bathroom floor today? Did you?_   
At this point Hermione stopped beating Dean with the hanger drove it into his chest. If it had been a wooden, or ever a plastic hanger, Dean might have been injured, but the flimsy wire hanger simply bent. Hermione laughed away crackbrainedly anyway, and splashed some ketchup on Dean. Dean keeled over on the closet floor.   
Goodbye Harry, Goodbye Ron, Dean croaked. I'll see you in... heaven!   
Dean, you're not dead, said Harry. You've just got ketchup on your shirt.  
It's no use trying to save me now, Harry. Dear, sweet Harry, Dean whispered. I'm too far gone. I can already see the pearly white gates of the great beyond. Ron, I want you to have my cd player.  
That's my cd player, Dean! Harry cried indignantly. You borrowed it from me and never gave it back!  
Tell Professor Sprout that I always loved her, Dean continued.   
You can tell her yourself, Dean, Harry argued. Because you're not dying!   
Dean ignored Harry. It's all fading so fast. These are my last breaths. I love you guys. Dean closed his eyes, never to open them again.  
Wake up, dumb ass, Harry yelled, kicking Dean. You're not dead! Wake up!  
I know it's hard to accept, Harry, said Ron, putting his arm around Harry's shoulders. But the fact is that Dean is dead. He's not coming back.  
Hermione, who had been forgotten in the midst of Dean's dramatic dying scene, broke down into sobs. What have I done? She wept, kneeling besides Dean's lifeless figure. What have I done? My own daughter! Oh Tina!   
Harry and Ron decided to use this opportunity to escape. They shut the closet door behind them and ran   
down  
to  
the   
dungeons.  
  
In need of a good hiding spot, they found themselves in an empty potions classroom; or at least they thought it was empty. Severus Snape was sitting at his desk, glaring at them.   
said Harry, breathlessly. You gotta help us!  
Snape said nothing  
Hermione's gone nuts, Harry continued. She's trying to kill everybody!  
Snape said nothing.  
There's a cold hearted killer on the loose! Do something! Harry grabbed Snape's shoulders and shook him violently. Snape fell face down onto the desk. A pare of pink safety scissors could been seen sticking out of Snape's back, drenched in ketchup.   
Oh no! gasped Ron, turning slightly green. She's been here too.  
They're safety scissors, Ron. They have no blades, Harry said indignantly. He's not even bleeding. That's ketchup!   
Heins Tomato Ketchup, Ron added. He pulled a bottle out of nowhere and held it out, grinning at an imaginary camera. It's twisted and wrong. Then snapping back to reality,' he turned to Harry and said, We've got to get out of here.  
  
Harry, we've passed that poodle shaped bush like twelve times; we're going in circles! Harry and Ron were in the hedge maze they had used for the triwizard tournament. It was spooky and dark and Harry and Ron were lost among the strange ferns and bushed.  
They were different bushes! said Harry cholerically. There are millions of poodle shape bushes in this maze.  
said a person behind them, holding out some hedge clippers imminently.   
Harry and Ron screamed like little girls and tried to run, but were restrained. Now what are you boys doing out? asked Filch menacingly.   
Our friend, Hermione, she's gone daffy! Ron explained. She ate Madam Pomfry, and she chopped off Seamus's head, and she stabbed Parvati, and she stabbed Dean, and she stabbed Parvati, and she stabbed Snape!   
Nobody actually died, Harry added.  
This happened once before, said Filch, a glimmer of terror flickering in his eyes. Oh, they tried to cover it up, but we all knew it would happen again. The ancient powers that summoned the curse never left. They're just waking up again.  
What are you talking about?   
Boys, there's quite a few things you don't know about Hogwarts. For one thing, it's built on a Native American burial ground.  
But this is Scotland! Interrupted Harry. Why would Native American's be buried here?  
Quiet, Boy! Anyway, On top of that, it was also the sight of a radioactive waist plant, and several massacres. Around 53 years ago, weird things started to happen.  
That's when the chamber of secrets was opened! said Harry.  
Don't be stupid, boy! That chamber of secrets story was made up to cover up a different story. The story of how a little girl went mad. She was a sweet, smart, girl, loved by all. Then one day, she just snapped. Started spraying ketchup everywhere. Filch paused and shivered. Oh, that ketchup took forever to clean up. What a mess.  
What happened to her?  
They killed her. Somebody put a basilisk after her. Real nice kid. He got a special service award for stopping all the killings. I think his name was Tom.  
Tom Riddle? asked Harry, dubiously. Filch nodded gravely. And was the girl Moaning Myrtle? Filch nodded again.   
exclaimed Ron suddenly. Where'd Ginny go? she was with us at the beginning of the chapter.  
Um... Ron? said Harry. That wouldn't be her hanging from that tree, would it?   
Ginny Weasley had a rope around her ankles and was hanging upside-down from an oak tree. Her skin was milk white, her bloodshot eyes were wide open but not moving, and there was ketchup dripping from her mouth.  
Oh no! gasped Filch. I know she wasn't there a minute ago.   
That must mean...  
Hermione jumped out of a bush with a chain saw and cut Filch into little pieces. Each little piece sprouted six legs and scurried away in different directions. Which one of you is next? asked Hermione menacingly, revving the chain saw.   
Look, Hermione, just put the saw down, Ron coaxed. Nobody has to get hurt. We can go back to the common room, and you can make me a sandwich. Just like old times.  
I'll make you a sandwich now! said Hermione. She raised her wand and shouted, A jet of sandwich colored light darted at Ron and he turned into a sandwich. Get it? She made him a sandwich!  
That was really lame, said Harry. Hermione gave him an evil look and Harry ran away again.  
  
Harry tried no to sneeze as another dust bunny flew up his nose. He was huddled under an armchair in the Griffindor common room.   
Hermione called malevolently. Oh, Harry? Come out, come out where ever you are. Hermione paused, sniffing the air like a dog. From under his chair, Harry could hear Hermione's slow footsteps coming towards him. He held his breath, squeezed his eyes shut, and hoped the loud beating of his heart wouldn't give him away.   
Hermione kicked the chair over, revealing a dust covered Harry. Ready to die, Potter? She asked, holing out a broken beer bottle.  
Harry sobbed. Why are you doing this, Hermione?  
Why? _Why? _Because I love you!  
  
A/N: So what will happen next? Next chapter is the ending. Review.  



	8. Angst

¬ 


	9. Happy, Full House Style Ending

A/N: C'mon, you didn't think I'd really end the fic like that. I watched _Wayne's World_ the other night, and I decided I should write some multiple ending too. I don't care if it's a direct rip-off. It's fun.   
  
Harry Potter does New York  
Ending Two  
(Working Subtitle: Happy, _Full House_ Style Ending)  
  
I love you too! said Harry. Will you marry me?  
Oh Harry! cried Hermione. She opened her arms to hug him, but at that moment there was a loud rumbling from Hermione's stomach. Her eye's widened in pain as her stomach split open and out came... Madam Pomfry!   
Hermione, dear, said Madam Pomfry, You must take your medicine if you want to get better. She held out a small bottle of white pills, removed one, and forced it down Hermione's through.  
Oh wow! exclaimed Hermione. I feel so much better now. Thank you. I'm so sorry I tried to kill you before, Harry. And I'm very sorry I ate you, Madam Pomfry.  
It's okay. They both said. They shared a mushy group hug.  
sighed Ron, Ginny, Dean, Parvati, Lavender, Seamus, Clem, Filch, Dumbledore, Rita Skeeter, Carl Grigorio, King Tritan, Usela the Sea Witch, Dudley, Judge Judy, Voldemort, Derek Jeter, Britney Spears, Dream Street, Carson Daly, Mathew Perry, Robert Downey Jr., Clem's grandma, Neville, Snape, and Mr. Nibbles, all in unison. We wanna hug too!  
So they all shared a big mushy hug and said, again. Isnt' it great that we're all better people?  
  



	10. Scooby Dooby Doo!

A/N: C'mon, you didn't think I'd really end the fic like that. I watched _Wayne's World_ the other night, and I decided I should write some multiple ending too. I don't care if it's a direct rip-off. It's fun.   
  
Harry Potter does New York  
Ending Two  
(Working Subtitle: Happy, _Full House_ Style Ending)  
  
I love you too! said Harry. Will you marry me?  
Oh Harry! cried Hermione. She opened her arms to hug him, but at that moment there was a loud rumbling from Hermione's stomach. Her eye's widened in pain as her stomach split open and out came... Madam Pomfry!   
Hermione, dear, said Madam Pomfry, You must take your medicine if you want to get better. She held out a small bottle of white pills, removed one, and forced it down Hermione's through.  
Oh wow! exclaimed Hermione. I feel so much better now. Thank you. I'm so sorry I tried to kill you before, Harry. And I'm very sorry I ate you, Madam Pomfry.  
It's okay. They both said. They shared a mushy group hug.  
sighed Ron, Ginny, Dean, Parvati, Lavender, Seamus, Clem, Filch, Dumbledore, Rita Skeeter, Carl Grigorio, King Tritan, Usela the Sea Witch, Dudley, Judge Judy, Voldemort, Derek Jeter, Britney Spears, Dream Street, Carson Daly, Mathew Perry, Robert Downey Jr., Clem's grandma, Neville, Snape, and Mr. Nibbles, all in unison. We wanna hug too!  
So they all shared a big mushy hug and said, again. Isnt' it great that we're all better people?  
  



	11. Playing with Clichés

Harry Potter does New York  
Ending Four  
(Working Subtitle: Playing with Clichés)  
by Deviant1  
  
But I love you, Hermione! Shouted Ron, Lavender, Draco, Snape, Serius, and Vikton Krum, who had all suddenly popped up out of nowhere.  
Hermione blinked. But the prophecy says that I will spend eternity with Harry, She replied.   
No, It says _I_ will spend eternity with Harry, said a cheeky American Exchange student who had just arrived. Her name was Mary Sue  
Spend eternity with _me_, said Draco, forgetting about Hermione. I may act like a jerk, but that's just because my dad never liked me. Having an unhappy childhood can really screw you up.  
I'm _poor_, Ron put in. Aren't I so cute and vulnerable?  
But _I_ look yummy in leather! Sirium said. And I have a flying motor cycle.  
Oh, who should I pick? Mary Sue wondered aloud. Do you all know that I'm directly related to Voldemort? I'm his niece. I visit him every Christmas and I call him Uncle Voldy.  
We don't care! They chorussed.   
I just feel so guilty about what happened to Cedric! Harry wailed. It's all my fault!  
No it's not, said Mary Sue comfortingly.  
I feel so much better now. Thanks! said Harry, suddenly cheerful.  
Guess what? said Hermione, trying to recapture everyone's attention. There's going to be another Yule Ball this year!  
Shuddup, Mud Blood, said Draco.  
screamed Harry, My scar hurts!  
Fred and George popped up out of nowhere. Hello, all! said George. We've been added to the story for comic relief.  
So this guy goes to the doctor, Fred said. And he says, Doctor, I've got a problem. There's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my butt.' And the doctor looks at it and says, That's just the tip of the ice burg.' By the way, we love Hermione and Mary Sue too!  
said Voldemort. I've come to kill you.  
Not if I kill you first! said Mary Sue. She pulled out a feather and tickled him to death.  
You killed Voldemort! They shouted. We love you! Even Hermione couldn't help but love Mary Sue; she was just so smart, and funny, and pretty, and nice...  
I'm back! said somebody. It was Lupin. He had come back to teach at Hogwarts!  
Wow, you're back! said everybody, forgetting any thoughts that had formerly occupied their minds.   
said Ron. Where's Ginny?  
Here I is! said Ginny, popping up out of nowhere like everyone else.  
Ginny, I know I've ignored you for the past four years, said Harry, but I suddenly realized that I love you. You wanna go make out?   
yelled Ron, very red in the face. That's my sister!  
Dude, I'm like your best friend, you can totally trust me with your sister.  
Oh yeah, said Ron. I guess I can. Okay, you kids remember to use protection.  
Oh crap, I knew I forgot something, said Hermione. I'm pregnant.  
But who's the father? everyone asked.   
Hermione burst into tears. I don't know!   
Then another kid showed up. He looked exactly like Harry. said Sirius. You look just like Harry! You must be related.  
said Clem. You're going to ruin my surprise ending!  
  
Harry went to spend some time in the hospital wing, because that's how all good HP stories end, and everyone lived happily ever after.   
  
THE END  
  
A/N: I think that's going to be it. Four endings is enough, right? Thanks to everyone who reviewed. I hoped you liked it. If Dream Street doesn't piss you off too much, you should read the DS fic I'm working on. Whatever. I love you all more than words can express.   
  
Disclaimer: You know what? I don't care what anyone else says, I _do_ own Harry Potter. You wanna fight me? I'm right here. Bring it one, Nancy. 


End file.
